A Rare Deeply Personal Post

Because I have to get this off my chest rather than keep it in.

It kills me knowing that you’re not as hurt as I am. That you destroyed my life, my future, my plans, everything because of your greed, lies and infidelity, and I never even got as much as an apology. You kept the home, the furniture, even the dog and I left with no dignity, no home, no friends… blindsided. You cause this. This was your doing. I was willing to repair, I was willing to forgive, rebuild, and move on. But still, you decided months too late I wasn’t enough. Apparently someone’s entire being, trust, companionship, heart… wasn’t enough. Are you really so shallow, so “not the person I fell in love with” that because my wallet was too small and my belt size a bit too big that you were willing to lie to me, lead me on, sleep with me, speak to me of being old and gray, all while having thoughts of him, of a different life, of a future that didn’t involve me? You caused this. This was your doing. And you now have the nerve to be angry with me? Ignore my calls, my texts, even my e-mails? You’re so petty as to withhold mail and not return my things? Even though I have done everything I could to make things easier on your in your time of greed and need at my expense?

I have never hated anyone as much as I hate you. Men have tried to kill me, and I feel no hate towards them. They have planted bombs, slung bullets past my head, and made me live in fear for every hour of every day while they were near. But I understood. I understood their reasoning, their cause, their justification. It wasn’t personal, it wasn’t hate directed towards me, just what I embodied. But, you… you… this is personal, this is against me, this is something that I simply cannot understand why love, compassion, caring, trust, fidelity, devotion - all of those things people crave from storybook romance - either wasn’t enough, or was something to cause your anger.

We need closure, you and I. The time will come when we will need to talk. A time when looking at you, hearing your voice, won’t make me want to lunge across a table or through a phone to make you feel the pain I have felt. No, I’m not that kind of man. It will be a time when I will be everything you wanted, had, and more. At a time when I can look at you and say: “if you had only waited, stuck by me, like I had asked…” MY closure will come seeing the look on your face that registers shock, horror and “oh my god what have I done? What did I throw away?” I will be better than you could have ever imagined. I will be someone who makes your dream man look like a weak, ugly, fool. I will make the man you left me for look like that guy’s sickly little brother (not like a bloody pulp on the pavement like I want to - no, I overcame that primal desire the night you got drunk and confessed your sins to me. Not by guilt mind you. Had he never screwed up and texted you about your night together who knows when I would have known, but it happened). 

A part of me hopes you never read this. Hopes you never see the hurt, the pain, the weakness. I am not weak, I can overcome pain, and you are not worthy of this hurt… You are below all of this, you liar, you doubter, you cheater, you teaser, you player… You are scum beneath my feet when once you were the clouds above my head. You are my turning point, my life lesson, my catalyst. I will transform this, all of this, into energy, motivation, desire; fuel for a poetic fire.

So now is where I turn all things negative into positive. Now, I don’t hate you. I pity you. You are the weak one, you are the one who will suffer for what you have done. I will reform, I will recover, I will become better. As a result a karmatic experience will occur, and one day I will see you, hear from you, or hear of you. And I will pity you.

So from future me to future you… Bari-anne, I am not sorry. Nor have I ever been. I did everything I could, gave you all that I could - at times at expense of myself, but you wanted more. Not more of my heart, body or soul… but more money, more abs, more “nice clothes”. That is not me, that is not who I was. I have never been that shallow. I never expected you to take a second job, I never expected you to work out, and I never expected you to do things solely to make me happy. I wanted a partnership, I wanted my companion, my forever. You wanted a Cameron that never was, nor ever will be. Today, I am beyond that man you wanted. I am not those things, I exceed those things, in every aspect, dimension and depth possible. Thanks to your superficial greed, I have become a man that I only dreamed of being, always wondering if he was there. And now I see that he just needed to proper motivation to leave those depths, leave those thoughts and become actions. So I thank you, for pushing me into the fire, for bringing the blacksmith out of hiding and for forging a new me. 

This is where I was, where I am, and where I will be.